Iron Chef Tetha'alla
by YeLlOwLiZaRd
Summary: An ordinary trip to Meltokio turns into a culinary battle for pride, money, and pretty girl! Enter two chefs, known for their talent and creativity—Wonder Chef vs. Dark Chef! R
1. Bon Appetite!

**I own do not own _Tales of Symphonia_, or any other _Tales of_ whatever. I only own this fun little idea. I also do not own Iron Chef. **

**Before I let you continue I would like remind you that reviews are very important to me. This includes flames. I need to know where to improve and how to do it. If no one helps me out than you can't possibly expect me to write anything half decent. That would be silly.**

**This fanfiction takes place… somewhere between Derris Kharlan and the actual end of the game. There might be a few spoilers, but I'll give you a heads up before hand I guess. Well, if you haven't gotten to Tetha'alla… ummm… don't read this. As far as pairings go, only one, really. Wonder ChefxOC. Oh. That is hot. There may also be hints of other pairings I like too. ZelosxSheena, RainexKratos (maybe), GenisxPresea, and LloydxColette. But who knows. You may not see any at all.**

**This is all meant to be funny, and lighthearted, but some of this stuff may go over your head if you haven't gotten Regal his Chef costume and listened to Wonder Chef's riveting tale of the battle between Light and Dark Chefs. That's primarily what this story is about. And I'll be making references to the other characters' costumes. If you have any questions, ask.**

**Ok, I'm done. **

**!—!**

**Iron Chef Tetha'alla**

**Chapter 1: Bon Appetite!**

"It's getting dark," Raine said out loud, more to herself than the rest of her friends.

"Meltokio's not that far away," Sheena reminded her. "We're almost across the bridge. We'll meet up with Genis soon."

The group had spent their day enjoying themselves and visiting places such as Sybak, Flanoir, and Mizuho while Genis spent his day in a sweatbox called Katz, Katz, Katz working his ass to the grindstone trying to waste the other children at a game of Red Light/Green Light in order win that über Kendama the Sea Katz had in its possession. His sister and friends would be disappointed to learn that he had failed to accomplish this, and would have to spend another day on the bridge.

"Why didn't we just quick jump?" Lloyd asked his teacher.

The rest of the group turned and fixed him with confused and concerned looks.

"I'm serious…" the pirate wannabe mumbled feebly.

"_Anyway_," began Zelos, sidling closer to Raine and Sheena. "You think the little Katz brat won at his silly game? He wasn't doing so hot when we left him earlier."

"He's had all day," Regal pointed out from behind Zelos. "I trust his skills have improved."

"But did he _win_?" Zelos asked again, and Regal didn't answer.

"As much as I hate to say it," Sheena said. "I agree with Zelos." And the carrot-top beamed at her.

"Probability of success, 3 percent," Presea rattled off. "Probability of failure, 97 percent."

All but Colette and Lloyd got a hearty laugh out of this.

"How could you all be so mean?" demanded Colette. "Genis is our friend! We should have faith and believe in him!"

"Yeah," agreed Lloyd, going into dramatic speech mode. "We all need to stick together and trust each other completely, otherwise…."

The rest of the crew tuned him out and began to chat amongst themselves. "So we'll stay the night at Meltokio," Raine said over Lloyd's noise. "And in the morning we'll go to the coliseum and compete. That's the plan?"

"That's the plan," affirmed Sheena.

"How would you two hunnies like to hook up with me for a party match?" flirted Zelos. "Sound like fun?"

Sheena gave him a cold, "not in your life" glare. Zelos took that as a no.

"…because if we have any trace of doubt in our minds…." continued Lloyd.

"Say, Regal," the carrot top began again. He was on fire this evening. "You've been going through quite the cooking phase, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"So…." Zelos really didn't know where he was going with this. He was mainly trying to distract himself from Lloyd's yammering. He directed his attention to certain pink-haired maiden. "Presea, my cute little hunny! How's life? You know, you have such pretty eyes!"

Presea didn't answer. Damn. Tough crowd.

"…and only _then_ can we conquer all obstacles, and—"

"Hey, Lloyd," Zelos called.

"What?" asked smart-as-a-rock Lloyd.

"Shut the _fuck_ up."

"Hey, look," announced Raine. "There's Genis! And… it looks like he's _still_ at it."

"Why is he wearing that stupid Katz costume?" wondered Sheena aloud. "It must be at least 95 degrees out here. Isn't he supposed to be… well, educated? Even Zelos isn't that stupid."

"Ouch," Zelos pouted.

"I think it's very fitting," voiced Colette. "After all, it is a Katz game, so why not dress the part?"

"Hey, Colette, my little angelic hunny," Zelos asked her. "Who do you think looks better in pink? Me, or that loser over there?"

"Well…."

Regal cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Let's grab him and get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow."

"Oh, right!" Lloyd exclaimed. "The coliseum! Can't miss that! I'll finally get to show all the citizens of Meltokio that I'm the best swordsman there is!"

"Hey guys!"

Everyone turned and saw Genis, the pink Katz sprinting towards them, waving his arms wildly in greeting. "I was waiting for you to come back! What took you? I'm starved! What's for dinner? What'd you do all day? Did you miss me Presea? I never wanna come back here again!"

"How'd it go Genis?" inquired Raine, though she already knew the answer.

"Well… y'see, it's not that I can't win, it's just that… I don't _feel_ like winning."

"So you still don't have that weapon?"

"I don't think I need it, Raine," Genis told her. "I mean, it's not the weapon you use, but how you use it. I'm strong enough without it."

Raine gave him a smack on the head. "Genis! You can't give up like that! It's a character flaw! You wanted that kendama, so you're coming out here every single day until you get the damn thing—clear?"

"Yes ma'am," Genis pouted, regretting the fact that he ever tried to play in the first place.

"Well, let's get going," Lloyd urged. "I'm hungry!"

!—!

The gang settled themselves at the Meltokio inn in the southern part of town. There, they decided to grab a couple of rooms, and indulge in a nice warm meal in the inn's dining room.

"Genis, are you gonna eat that _escargot_?" Lloyd asked, eying the oddly named shellfish.

"Do you even know what _escargot_ it?" retorted Genis dryly.

"Like, a crab? Or something?"

"It's a snail," hissed Raine as she swatted the back of Lloyd's thick head with her soupspoon. "Didn't you do your homework?"

Lloyd gasped in horror. He'd already eaten six of those, and _now _she tells him this?

"Hey guys," Sheena blurted out suddenly. "Check it out, the entrees are finally done!"

Lloyd quickly forgot about the snail-crabs and focused his attention on his new meal. A rich, creamy chicken fettuccini. It smelled like heaven… and not the bad kind of heaven Mithos was affiliated with heaven, the kind of heaven Lloyd planned on going to when he died…. The nice kind of heaven that smelled like chicken fettuccini. And not a snail in sight. Without even waiting for the rest of his friends to get their meals served to them (how rude!), he buried his fork into the pasta and spun, trying to get as much into that first bite as possible.

He would come to regret this.

Upon putting the delicacy in his mouth he not only realized that he took _way_ too big a bite, but also that… it didn't taste quite as wonderful as it smelled. He grimaced and spat it back out on his pasta bowl, ignoring the fact that such an action is very bad taste. Looking around the table he noticed he wasn't the only one with an unsatisfying plate.

"Ew, gross," groaned a disgusted Sheena, gulping down her water glass to rid her mouth of the terrible flavor of her red snapper filet. She had downed half her water, when she stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong," asked Colette, after spitting out a mouthful of duck confit.

"Even the _water_ tastes funny!"

Regal shook his head, looking confused. "I don't understand," he said quietly. "How could the food look and smell perfectly fine, but taste like cat shit? This must mean…." He trailed off.

"What?" asked the rest of the crew in unison.

But Regal never got a chance to answer, because he was interrupted by—

"Excuse me sir, is there a problem with your meal?"

Regal turned and found himself face-to-face with a pretty, rosy-cheeked maiden. Their waitress, assumed Regal.

"We seem to have… a problem with the taste. How fresh is all this food?"

"You are looking _fine_ tonight!" Zelos howled suddenly from the opposite end of the table.

The waitress blushed and hid her face behind her serving tray. "I can only ever love a man who can cook," she said sadly, but tossed the flirtatious young man a lemon gel.

Zelos caught it with little enthusiasm. They already had twenty of those….

"_Ahem_," Regal coughed. "The food. How fresh?"

"Oh! Well, all fruits and vegetables are grown in our own garden, and were picked just this morning. The pasta is made after you order it, so I don't see a problem there. All chickens, duck, quails are farm raised right here, and were only slaughtered this morning. All fish was just shipped in today, so…." She shrugged helplessly.

"Then I don't understand," announced Regal to his companions. "If the food is as fresh as you say it is… that only leaves food poisoning…. Unless…."

"Unless what?" asked Raine.

"Unless it's—"

"Bon appetite! The Dark Chef!" cackled a mysterious voice from behind Regal.

"Just as I suspected," hissed the ex-prisoner. "What do you want Dark Chef? Am I gonna have to open up another can of fresh whoop ass and bake it into a cake?"

"Oh please," groaned bon appetite. "I just want you to find gourmet and bring him to me."

"Who?" asked the waitress, looking both shocked and confused.

Bon appetite sighed. "The Wonder Chef."

"Why should we do that?" asked Lloyd cockily. "What are you gonna do? Deep fry a nasty chocolate cake and make us eat it?"

"Yeah," Sheena spoke out, ignoring the fact that you don't deep fry cakes, but Twinkies. "What the hell did you do to our dinner?"

The Dark Chef sighed again. "I just wanted you all to get a good taste of sweet revenge. Now, back to business—" He whipped a gigantic butter knife out of nowhere and, grabbing the waitress, held it against her neck. "Fetch me Wonder Chef or the girly here gets it!"

The "girly" screamed. And continued to scream…. And screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more….

"Not so fast," yelled a voice over the noise of the waitress.

The crew of Exshpere-wielding heroes gasped as if on cue and spun in perfect coordination. They sounded particularly stupid when they all exclaimed at the same time, "Wonder Chef!"

**!—!**

**Ok, first off, that freakin' Red Light/Green Light game really does suck. That took me forever. But y'know, it was worth it in my mind. Now I can tell my friend, hey, aren't I hot? I beat Red Light/Green light!**

**Genis will be spending a large majority of this fiction on the bridge, playing this game. My sincerest apologies to any Genis fans. I'll let you know how his game is going from time to time, how's that?**

**And I neglected to point out before that in this fiction the characters will rarely ever be in character.**

_**Presea: Probability of OOC-ness, 95.**_

**Or maybe they're just so _in_ character, that you don't know it…. How's _that_ for a twist? I'm like M. Night Shyamalan.**

**No, actually, I just take their true characters and exaggerate everything. So Lloyd, instead of having an IQ of 23, has an IQ of –5. Raine, instead of only teaching, like, history and normal school stuff, gives lessons on, say… _escargot_, and what it is. Then expects dumbass Lloyd to remember it. And Wonder Chef is just as crazy as ever, if not more so than usual. Sorry. What a let down, I know.**


	2. Challenge!

**I would like to thank all those who reviewed… or favorited… or whatever…. I could REALLY use some more feedback though. I know there's not a rule saying you _have_ to leave a review, but if I can take the time to write out this stupid little thing, then surely _you_ can waste a minute or two to review, mmmmkay? Thank you.**

**Yes, I am a review junkie—what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?**

**I would also like to apologize for taking so long with this… we had some computer issues and such…. And we moved and now I go to a school were everyone is either in a gang, is emo, or is a bisexual goth (I don't fit in well). And I got a fish. His name is Miguel. I won him. Sorta. I won a bet and blew my cash on a Japanese fighting fish (I just bet the dude that I'd make a better grade on the test than him. PWN'D). He's blue and red and pretty. And no one cares…. Except me. And Miguel. I love him. I'm almost positive it's a him. Could be a her, in which case her name is not Miguel, but Maria.**

**Who else here has seen Rent? It was great! "How we gonna pay? How we gonna paaAAy?"**

**!—!**

**Iron Chef Tetha'alla**

**Chapter 2: Challenge!**

"That's right!" announced the blond fork-wielding food expert. "It is I, the mysterious gourmet, the Wonder Chef!" He thrust his fork majestically into the air—a pose of elegance and grace. Collet gasped in awe.

"Oh!" exclaimed the waitress. "Thank goodness—I'm saved!"

"Oh shut up," hissed Dark Chef bon appetite. "You were never in any danger, you silly little girl, I'm holding a _butter knife_ for Martel's sake!"

But no one seemed to care what kind of knife he was holding. "Drop your weapon bon appetite," demanded gourmet. "I'm the one you want!"

Dark Chef sighed, rolled his eyes, and let the lovely waitress go. "You're all a bunch of fucking retards," he muttered to himself. "I honestly don't know why I bother…."

The waitress, freed from the clutches of Dark Chef, darted behind gourmet and breathed a sigh of awe and relief. "My hero," she gasped, breathless as if she had just been through a life-threatening situation. And as far as she was concerned, she had been.

Wonder Chef blushed. "It's all in a day's work my fair lady."

For a moment the room was silent. Then Lloyd, deciding things were moving too slow, casually reminded Dark Chef of his purpose for being here. "So, you wanted Wonder Chef, now what?"

"Yes—that's right," bon appetite said, snapping back to reality. He pointed his _dangerous_ and _sharp_ butter knife at Wonder Chef and said, "I am tired of your games gourmet—give me the secret recipe!"

Wonder Chef gasped. "Never! That secret has been past down the Wonder Chef line for generations! We are the only ones allowed to know the secret—"

"Yeah, well, I thought you'd say something like that," droned bon appetite. "So how's this? We'll make a little wager…." An evil grin spread across his face, and lightning cracked outside.

"Wait a minute," Raine butted in, ruining the dramatic effect. "Why is there lightning? I saw no clouds; we were just outside a half an hour ago."

"That _is_ strange," Genis agreed, slipping his kendama behind his back. What are you looking at? Nothing suspicious here! Go away! Genis would _never_ use magic to help set up a mood. That would be dishonest.

Beside him Presea twitched and foamed lightly at the mouth. "Doesn't… add… up…." she seemed to be saying under her breath.

"FORGET ABOUT THE LIGHTNING!" roared bon appetite. "How have you people managed to stay alive this long—you're all a bunch of morons!"

Hearing his sudden outburst, the waitress began screaming… again.

She screamed, and screamed, and screamed… and screamed….

"Someone stick an apple in her mouth or something, she's driving me nuts," ordered Dark Chef.

The girl suddenly became very quiet. She was deadly allergic to apples. And pears, and pecans, and macaroni and cheese, and—

"Um… what sort of wager?" inquired gourmet, directing the conversation back to where they left off. A very smart move indeed.

Bon appetite cleared his throat. "I'll bet you your silly ultimate recipe thing that I can beat your stir fried ass at a cooking contest." He grinned confidently, convinced that this challenge would strike fear in the hearts of both Wonder Chef and those stupid losers he hung out with.

He was half right. Everyone but Wonder Chef seemed to be shocked.

"You don't have to do it," Sheena cried. "It's too dangerous!"

Lloyd nodded in agreement. "Don't feel as though you have no choice!"

"If something happens to you, can I have your little waitress friend?" inquired Zelos.

Beside the cooking extraordinaire, a certain navy-haired waitress sobbed in worry.

"Um…." said Wonder Chef slowly. "Guys, it's just a… cooking contest. I'm like, the best there is. Really, you don't have to get so upset."

"Oh…" Genis said quietly. He had been crying almost as hard as the waitress. He whipped his eyes pulled himself together, hoping no one would notice how red and puffy his eyes were….

"Are you sure you can handle it," inquired Regal. "I took him on last time, but judging by his sparkling new butter knife and perfectly spotless apron he seems to have improved quite a bit."

"True," agreed Wonder Chef, eyeing his opponent warily. "But he is not the only who's been practicing new recipes."

"Alright then," bon appetite said, clapping his hands together, feeling suddenly cheerful now that everything had fallen into place perfectly. "Things have all gone according to plan. So, I'll see you tomorrow then? You know the place."

Wonder Chef nodded. "When do you want me there?"

"Eight' o'clock work for you?"

"Perfect!"

The Dark Chef waved goodbye happily, and elegantly swooped out the window, landing perfectly at the bottom of the two-foot drop.

What? _What_? It's only on the first story, are you _insane_? No one with an IQ even approximating three digits would have a kitchen on a second story. That would be retarded. If any of you—_any of you_—know _anyone_ who has a kitchen on the second or even _third_ story of their house, slap them. No, seriously, give them a good bitch slapping. Or better yet, shoot them. Anybody who's that stupid doesn't deserve to live.

"Well," said Wonder Chef loudly after bon appetite's dramatic exit. "I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow then." He waved goodbye casually and left out the front door.

The room was silent for a while. After witnessing such an… _interesting_ event they were a bit flabbergasted.

"Well," said Zelos suddenly, breaking the silence in two like a hot knife cutting through soft cream cheese. Not butter, that's different. Cream cheese. "I'll see you guys tomorrow. I'm going to bed."

"That's a good idea," agreed Raine. "Especially you Genis."

Genis groaned. He'd rather get shot in the ear by an ugly gangster than spend another day of his young life on that stupid bridge.

At Raine's words the party of eight dispersed into their rooms, leaving alone the lovely young waitress, who was too busy fantasizing about a certain Wonder Chef to notice their absence.

**o.0**

Lloyd Irving woke the next morning to the wonderful smell of pancakes and frying bacon. He followed this heavenly scent down the stairs of the inn and into the small dining room where he met up with the rest of the gang. Judging by the way they all ate with such vigor, the food must have improved since last night.

"Hurry up and eat," urged Sheena. "We have to get to the coliseum in an hour!"

Lloyd didn't need to be told a second time. He dug in, thrilled that the food was so good, and looking forward to a fight shortly after.

"So who's fighting today?" inquired Zelos.

"Well obviously Lloyd," answered Raine. "He hasn't shut up about this all week…. Who here needs the most work?"

"ME!" exclaimed Genis suddenly, thrusting his hand into the air and jumping up and down rapidly, hoping that maybe if he volunteered to fight he wouldn't have to play a certain game….

But it was all for naught—his older sister simply popped him firmly on the head with her staff. "Not until I see you with that kendama!"

"I'll join Lloyd," offered Sheena. "I've been feeling a bit hot-blooded today—"

"And I'll go too," interrupted Zelos. "Because it wouldn't be very gentlemanly of me to let poor Sheena fend for herself—"

"Lloyd will be there," snapped Sheena. "You know what; I don't want to fight anymore."

Zelos opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by the sound of the inn's front door opening. Because everyone knows how easy it is to hear that from two rooms away, and especially hear it so well that it could ever cut someone off. It makes perfect sense. Just don't think too hard about it.

Shortly after the opening of that exceptionally loud door a party of two entered the dining area. One of them, a woman, was short, fat, and wore a nice suit, while the other one, a man, was slim, tall, and also wore a suit. They were talking hurriedly, as if they were worried about something.

"Where are we ever going to find another judge?" asked the plump woman, pacing back and forth. "And why in the name Martel did we come to an inn to discuss this?"

"Hmm," said the man, nodding. "That's very interesting."

"We need someone simple-minded," continued the woman.

"Hmm," agreed the man. "That's very interesting."

"And someone who knows their food!"

"Hmm. That's very interesting."

She breathed deeply, frustrated at her partner's low vocabulary skills. Then, suddenly, she saw a boy across the room. He was shoveling food down his throat at impossible speeds with a spoon. He was perfect! Anyone who could eat like that _had_ to have a low enough IQ to be judge!

She waddled over to him and fast as her short, stubby legs could carry her. His friends glanced up at her and gave her questioning looks.

"Young man," she said. "You eat like a horse! I simply must ask you something!"

"Um… what?" Lloyd asked between bites.

"Well, you see, at the coliseum a culinary battle is being held between the world's greatest chefs. We need three judges, but we have only got two—be a dear and help us out with this?"

"No battles?" asked Lloyd, thoroughly disappointed.

"No darling, this is much more important, don't you agree?"

Lloyd wasn't sure. Food and fighting were on a pretty even scale….

"I'll do it!"

"Oh wonderful!" Then turning to the second judge, and she yelled, "Harvey! I've found us another one!"

"Hmm," he responded, nodding. "That's very interesting."

"Wait a minute!" shouted Raine suddenly. "One of these wouldn't happen to be named gourmet, the Wonder Chef, would he?"

"But of course, darling," said the woman in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone. "Who else would it be?"

The group gasped, because when something is this obvious it still sort of surprises you in a way. "We have to hurry and get down there to help Wonder Chef out!" exclaimed Regal, because if they didn't somehow end up at the cooking competition there wouldn't be a story.

**!—!**

**I'm cutting it off here. Because that last line appeals to me almost. It's factual and catchy.**

**Hopefully I'll update a bit sooner next time. If I don't… um… I dunno. Cut yourself. Just don't complain to me. Because then I'll cry.**


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